Having a timetable for sex can boost your marriage

Bob Peter, 37, no doubt has a lot to thank his friend for. According to him, if not for his (friend’s) initiative, his three-year-old marriage would have hit the rocks. Peter, who lives in Ayetoro, Alimosho area of Lagos State, works with a private firm in Victoria Island, and due to the distance and the traffic that characterises his journey to work every day, he said he usually returned home late and tired, such that his sexual relationship was gradually losing steam.

He noted that an unpopular advice from his friend saved his marriage from an imminent collapse.

“My wife has been complaining and it was as if I was helpless, so I discussed the issue with my friend and he said my wife and I should draw a workable timetable for sex. Initially, I dismissed the idea and I told him I found it very silly, but when I discussed with my wife, even though she also found it laughable, we agreed on it and drew a timetable. Since then, it has only been getting better because we now have sex regularly. As a matter of fact, sex is an obligation in marriage. The earlier people see it as one, the better,” he said.

According to him, scheduling sex has not only helped him and his wife to copulate more regularly, it has enhanced their intimacy and they now have a happier marriage.

Understandably, many human activities, especially those that happen regularly, enjoy some planning and they make it to people’s to-do list at some point in time. That initiative has more or less been seen as a celebrated approach to success in such activities, including reading, going to the gym, doing exercises, as well as ensuring efficiency and improved performance in certain things.

But, one important activity that has scarcely made it to the to-do list, in spite of its frequency, is sex. This could be because many people see it as a spontaneous activity that happens on its own, anywhere, anytime and without (much) planning.

It is even safe to say that long before now, it was largely unheard of to prepare a timetable for sex. Then, it would easily qualify as an aberration. But out of the need to rejuvenate or save couples’ sex lives from collapse, scheduling sex is now one of the options being canvassed by experts as a solution to a waning sex life.

Going by Peter’s experience, which was occasioned by an overwhelming job demand, other reasons that could prompt a sex timetable include depreciating sex drive and unequalled libido between couples.

Some critics of the approach have argued that drafting such a timetable is not romantic and that it could make sex look like an obligation and make it boring. But the proponents say the timetable does not only ensure that couples have more sex, which guarantees them the benefits derivable from sex, gives them an impression that they are both working hard to make the relationship work, it helps the couple to prepare their mind and body for the exercise, enhances their bonding and ultimately brings about a happier marriage.

The proponents explain that even though the timetable is not sacrosanct, as it is subject to change and compromises, the anticipation and the countdown to date and time make it something to look forward to, and that since such people could still have sex on other days different from those in the calendar, its overall benefit in enhancing couples’ sex lives and ultimately their marriage makes it important.

Worthy of note is that setting a workable sex timetable requires the input of both parties, and some of the many important factors to consider include the sex drive of both parties and the time that would be relatively convenient for both, devoid of interruptions by children or any other person. It could also include who makes the first move, a measure that has been found to further strengthen openness and bonding in marriage.

A respondent, who identified herself simply as Rita, said that she and her husband have a sex timetable. She said even though it was not pasted on the wall the conventional way, they both have copies. She added, “We have sex three times a week and on such days, we could exchange text message during the day reminding ourselves of what is to happen at night. It enables us to fantasise about it and we look forward to it.”

According to the Dean of the Institute for Advanced Studies of Human Sexuality in San Francisco, United States, Dr. Janice Epp, scheduling sex might be the way to go for couples who have very demanding jobs.

He told Huff Post, “I frequently see a lot of very young couples who are working 14- and 15-hour days and they are wondering why they are not having sex. They have to be willing to make it a priority. It may not sound terribly romantic, but scheduling sex could be the best way for couples who are still interested in having intercourse to save their marriage and sex lives.

“Some people say sex should be spontaneous but I disagree. You plan other things in your life and you don’t complain about it. You can do the same with sex. You should plan your sex date around a time when you and your partner will have time and the most energy.

“By scheduling sex and committing to a schedule that works for both of you, sex can become a valuable and enjoyable part of your relationship again. It may not be easy, but it’s worth it. Sex is perfectly natural but it’s not always naturally perfect. Like anything worthwhile, sometimes it takes work.”

One of the studies note that a sex timetable is of a greater use to people who have low sex drive, thus making use of a timetable can be of help because doing it frequently makes them want to have more of it, since sex is sweet, and if sustained it tends to boost their intimacy and strengthen their marriage. “However, it is also important for couples not to restrict that sweet exercise to only the days sex appears on the to-do list or timetable. Having it outside that window is also helpful,” it adds.

Commenting on the study, a psychologist, Prof. Oni Fagboungbe, agreed that a sex timetable could enhance couples’ sexual experience, intimacy and marriage. He added, “Meaningful living is based on planning and anything planned is more likely to turn out fine. If couples stick to the timetable they prepared, the mere fact that they have that table sharpens their expectation, which could increase the zeal to perform. On the long run, it could strengthen their relationship.

“Yes, it could make sex look like an obligation, but is life itself not an obligation? It enables them to prepare well because they expect it and when they follow the timetable, it can increase their intimacy.”

According to him, the only disadvantage is that if for any reason a party is not able to play his or her role very well as before, it could leave room for suspicion but that they could overcome this by talking about it.

On his part, another psychologist, Prof. Toba Elegbeleye, said using sex timetable might not be an ideal initiative, saying it could make sex seem like a task and that it could be unproductive.

He added, “With a timetable, sex becomes a task and an obligation, and the moment you see it that way, it takes the shine off it. Apart from that, it soon becomes extremely boring. Personally, I do not think it encourages intimacy and the suspense can be counter-productive because it may result in an anti-climax.

“The advantage is that both of them are tied to a contractual understanding that puts them under obligation to do it and it won’t permit the two to forget about sex altogether. To that extent, there might be some advantage but in terms of body functioning and operation, I don’t think it’s an ideal thing to always have a scheduled time for such.”